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Parent Maintains Warm, Loving, Positive, Supportive Relationship with Child
In every interaction, the parent should be safe, loving, and available.

Children are born with the need to form an emotional bond with a caregiving adult. When the relationship is secure, children develop healthy self-esteem, feelings of worth, and an ability to make friends, they do well in school, and they are more likely to succeed in life. A secure attachment is formed when the parent is emotionally attuned to the child. This means noticing the child’s needs and attending to them in a timely and loving manner. This does mean that a parent must give in to a child, give the child everything the child wants, or agree with everything the child says. It does mean that parents should be warm, loving, attentive, and supportive, even when setting limits or disagreeing with their child. Practically speaking, this means that parents need to make eye-contact, listen to their child, and gently touch their child. It means soothing a child who is upset, meeting their basic needs for food, sleep, cleanliness, comfort and connection in a timely manner, smiling warmly and genuinely, giving the child their full attention, and being interested and delighted by the unique person the child is. As the child grows, the specific ways that parents interact will change but the interactions should always be expressed in a way that conveys that the parent is safe, loving, and available.

Parent Treats Child with Respect and Dignity
Children need to be spoken to in a kind and loving manner, listened to attentively, and shown the that their thoughts and feelings matter.

Children can be exasperating. They can be messy, demanding, annoying, and exhausting. They don’t always understand parental rules and they won’t always follow them. They may do things that are scarily dangerous or downright maddening, such as getting dirty immediately after taking a bath or spilling their dinner on the floor. They also say the funniest and weirdest things. There are plenty of opportunities for a parent to be frustrated and annoyed with their child and to find something they say or do embarrassing. However, it is important for parents to be kind and respectful rather than respond to the child in a way that is humiliating to the child. Humiliated children can become angry, resentful, and less cooperative. If children are mocked and ridiculed in person or on social media, they are likely to adopt these behaviors themselves in interactions
with parents as well as peers. Parents should aim to be respectful, speaking to their child in a loving manner, listening attentively, valuing their opinions, and showing the child that their feelings matter. When instructing or disciplining, this means clearly explaining what the child did wrong and redirecting or setting limits without humiliating, demeaning, or embarrassing the child. This approach recognizes that children are by nature developmentally immature and always growing, and it will take several reminders and time to develop self management abilities before they will do things exactly as parents expect. We don’t want to shame them in the process.

Parent is Encouraging and Avoids Criticizing Child
Encouragement focuses on the child’s efforts, boosts self-esteem and motivates the child, while excessive and harsh criticism can lead to despair and feelings of helplessness.

Babies are helpless when they are born. As they grow they must learn many things and they will make many mistakes as they do. It takes a lot of practice to learn to do even basic things, such as tying their shoes, blowing their nose, or making their bed. And of course, they will make mistakes as they attempt more complex tasks, such as learning to talk, play boardgames, reading, developing friendships, playing an instrument, and solving complex math problems.

At times, especially when a parent asks a child to do something and the child does it poorly (if at all), parents may be tempted to criticize, explain what the child is doing wrong, and may conclude that their child is ignoring them, or their misbehavior or failure to comply is deliberate. However, shaming and berating children when they “forget,” make mistakes, or fail to do a task to expectations, can lead to children developing fears of failing as well as deep feelings of inadequacy. Criticizing a child too much and too often can lead a child to experience self-doubt, hopelessness, and often anger and resentment. Parents can be encouraging instead of discouraging and achieve the same goal by focusing on the child’s effort rather than on the outcome and by re-coaching the desired behavior, with positive feedback for steps toward success. When parents express encouragement and belief in their children’s abilities, children will develop feelings of pride and confidence in themselves and their worth. For example, when a child is learning to catch a ball a parent might notice how much fun the child is having, how hard they are trying, and encourage children to keep practicing, assuring them that their skill level will improve over time.

Parent Communicates Openly With and Listens to the Child
Being genuinely interested in the child’s thoughts and feelings creates an atmosphere where the child can share and learn from the parent.

In open communication, parents convey genuine interest in their children’s thoughts and feelings, thus creating an atmosphere where children feel loved, cared about, and “heard.” Parental interest is conveyed through kind words, loving facial expression, warm tone of voice, and a receptive and non-judgmental attitude. Open communication can also be fostered by asking open-ended questions rather than telling a child what to do, by listening intently to what a child has to say, and by showing a child that their experiences and opinions are interesting and important. Questions such as “What are you looking forward to?” and “What are you worried about?” might spark conversation, even with a shy and reluctant child. It is most important for
parents to find ways to express that their child’s thoughts, feelings, experiences, hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes are all very important to the parent. This also requires busy and distracted parents to set aside time to listen well and understand what their children are trying to tell them, either through their words or their behavior.

Parent Sets Clear and Age-Appropriate Expectations for Child
Children need their parents to let them know what is expected of them.

Part of parenting is to ensure that children are safe and that they learn the skills they need to function in the world. Parents set the stage for this growth by clearly explaining their expectations. These expectations most often relate to a child’s behavior (i.e., “hold hands when crossing the street”); emotional expressions (“it is not okay to scream at someone when you’re mad”); and social behaviors (“you cannot hit another child because he took your truck”.) Expectations provide children with structure and guidance and can help them feel more safe and secure. Parents’ expectations must be clear and consistent across time and situations. Absent,
vague, and changing expectations can be confusing and very stressful for children. Imagine a child being dropped off for their first day of school without any preparation as to what the teacher will expect of them. Parental expectations must also be realistic based on a child’s age and developmental level. It would not make sense to expect two-year-olds to pack their own lunches or put themselves down for a nap.

Even under the best of circumstances, children will not always do what is expected of them. When this happens, parents might convey frustration, disappointment, and maybe even anger, all of which would be unfair if the expectations were not clearly and consistently communicated in the first place, or if they weren’t appropriate for a child’s developmental age. Parental anger in such a situation could cause a child to feel misunderstood and resentful, often interfering with learning from the incident.

Parent Recognizes that a Child’s Behavior Is Purposeful and Has Meaning
A misbehaving child is often a discouraged or frustrated child.

When children misbehave, it is usually because they feel angry, frustrated, or discouraged. Children may feel discouraged if they don’t feel loved and important, because they aren’t allowed to help make choices, because someone has hurt their feelings, or because they feel inadequate. Rather than responding to the misbehavior with anger or punishment, parents can try to understand what has happened that led the child to misbehave and to address the real underlying problem. Children may benefit from special time with their parent, having more opportunities to make choices, and being given more opportunities to practice a skill. Addressing the reasons behind a misbehavior may take additional time and effort, but it can help to avoid future problems and improve the parent-child relationship, as children will feel better and will often be more cooperative as a result.

Parent Helps the Child Manage Behavior and Emotions
By teaching children to name, recognize, and cope with their own emotions, parents can help them feel safe and give them tools to better manage their own behavior.

Part of growing up is learning that people cannot always do or say whatever they want, whenever they want. Parents must help children learn how to control their own behavior and emotions so that they can stay safe and get along with others, both in the family and the larger world. Based on the principle of setting clear expectations for the child’s behavior (see above), parents can help their children learn these lessons through a process known as emotion coaching. Emotion coaching is a set of activities where parents help their children understand what they are feeling and constructively manage their emotions. Emotion coaching includes naming emotions and recognizing them when they are present. It also involves helping children learn to cope when they have an overwhelming emotion. This could mean learning to use words to express their feelings, learning to ask for love, help, or attention from the parent, or allowing parents to support them through hard times. Emotion coaching also allows parents to use themselves as role models to help children think about and deal with feelings, and to help their children try out new techniques, be it deep breathing, counting to 10 before acting, and asking for help when frustrated. It is through the parent’s loving and attentive guidance that children learn to manage their behavior and emotions so that they can avoid becoming overwhelmed and unable to function successfully in the world.

Parent Uses Positive Discipline Strategies to Address Misbehavior
Positive discipline strategies are loving and respectful responses to a child’s misbehavior.

Children do not always do what their parents expect them to do. They may grab a toy from a sibling, refuse to put their phone down when asked, delay starting their homework, and neglect their chores or complete them haphazardly. Parents may spontaneously respond by yelling, banishing or grounding the child, using harsh and unkind language, arguing, or spanking in a belief that it is the only thing that works to stop a child from repeating the behavior. But there are alternatives that work as well, if not better, and don’t cause feelings of guilt shame and anger in children. Some examples of positive discipline include redirection, such as drawing the child’s attention to something more acceptable, helping children learn what to do instead, ignoring a child’s annoying but not harmful behavior, mutual-problem solving, and allowing children to choose what to do from a couple of acceptable alternatives. Parents can select and implement the best positive discipline strategy for each specific instance of a child’s misbehavior, depending on what the child did, their age, and what they normally respond well to.

Parent Avoids Power Struggles with Child
When children are allowed input in making choices they are less likely to engage in power struggles.

Power struggles happen when neither a parent nor a child is willing to compromise, negotiate, or give in, and there is no way for both to get what they want. Power struggles are common, widely prevalent in parent-child relationships, and always quite stressful. Certain situations are especially likely to result in power struggles, especially at developmental ages when children are learning to do things for themselves. Examples include choosing what to wear and getting dressed, eating dinner, getting to school on time, leaving the playground, starting homework, and putting the cell phone down. Ideally, parents can avoid power struggles by giving the child choices from among reasonable options. For example, if a child balks at wearing a coat, they can put on the coat or possibly get cold. It’s their choice. A child can get into the car seat themselves or be placed in it by the parent. It is their choice. If a child refuses to eat their vegetables, they can choose to eat the vegetable or they can skip dessert. It is their choice. To be clear, parents should try to understand why the child is resisting the coat, car seat, vegetable, etc. Maybe the coat is scratchy, maybe the car seat belt is too tight, maybe there is a vegetable the child likes better. But once these problems have been addressed, offering the child choices is recommended, always with love and respect. Sometimes, especially with preschool children and teens, the simple act of choosing is more important to the child than the particular request they are fighting.

Parent Takes Time for Modeling and Training
When parents take time to teach their children how to do things, children gain competence and confidence.

Children don’t always learn skills spontaneously. They must be taught how to do many basic tasks, such as tie their shoes, make a bed, get dressed, brush their teeth, and make their lunch. Schools teach children academic skills, but parents are responsible to teach their children most everything else. Most of the skills children need to learn are complicated enough that they can’t be learned in one or two tries. Children need many opportunities to learn and practice. Sometimes tasks need to be broken down into smaller parts so they can master them one at a time. Getting dressed has many components, as does brushing teeth, getting ready for bed, and cleaning a room. Children need their parents to teach them what they need to know, usually by
demonstrating, encouraging, and coaching them through the process. This requires patience on the part of the parent. It won’t work if children feel rushed, demeaned, or inadequate if they forget something they have been taught. The time and effort that parents put into this modeling and training process pays off when happy confident children develop mastery over skills.

Parent Teaches and Models Cooperation with Child
Children will learn and value cooperation when their parents are role models.

None of us is cooperative all the time, and the same is true for children. Interpersonal skills develop as children grow and improve as children learn more advanced social skills. But even young children can learn cooperation in small ways. Typically, children don’t always want to share their toys, don’t like siblings borrowing their clothes, and don’t always want to wait their turn. This does not make them selfish or insensitive – they are just little humans who are not yet fully socialized into the benefits of cooperation. Parents should avoid lecturing, berating or humiliating their children when they are not being cooperative. Instead, they should try to understand what is making it hard for the child to cooperate. For example, a child might worry that if they share a toy they will never get it back. A child might feel jealous of a sibling. Sometimes, children simply forget that they are not supposed to grab a toy or push to the front of the line, and they just need a gentle reminder. The best way for children to learn the benefits of cooperation is for parents to model it by being polite, by sharing, and by waiting their turn. It also helps when parents actively notice and appreciate when children demonstrate cooperation themselves.

Parent Teaches Problem-Solving and Views Children’s Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
When children are not afraid to fail they can learn many valuable lessons from their mistakes.

Children will make many mistakes as they develop from helpless infants to intentional and competent individuals. If parents react with anger, recriminations, and punishment when children make mistakes, children could become so afraid of making mistakes that they don’t ask for help or even give up trying. When parents respond to mistakes with kindness, concern, and encouragement, children can learn from their mistakes. Instead of calling a child stupid or clumsy when they spill their milk, a parent can hand them a sponge and show them how to wipe it up. Instead of yelling when a child breaks something, the parent could help the child repair it or contribute to its replacement. Children often respond well when asked what they think should happen next and what they can do so the mistake doesn’t happen again. Sometimes, children are
forgetful and careless, but often mistakes are due to a lack of understanding or skill, which is a clue to a parent to provide training and guidance.

Parent Shares Power and Decision-Making with Child
Children need opportunities to make choices so that they feel a sense of control in their lives.

Parents make most of the decisions when children are young because children don’t understand enough about how the world works to make good choices. But most children will want to have input in matters that affect them (what to wear, who to play with, what book to read). This is developmentally expected, because children need to feel some degree of control and power to develop motivation and competence. If parents hold all of the power and make all of the decisions, children never have opportunities to practice decision-making, and may also become resentful, angry and uncooperative. Ideally, parents will provide children with many opportunities to make choices so that they learn how to consider their options and make thoughtful decisions. Children could have input into which vegetable to have for dinner, which playground to go to, and which sport to try. A parent could ask a child for suggestions about what to do on a rainy afternoon, can brainstorm ideas for birthday gifts for a friend, can be asked which of two movies they would like to watch, and which of two snacks to eat. Of course, parents should provide the child with a set of options from which to choose so that either one is acceptable to the parent. These little choices can help foster a feeling in children of being important and respected and gives the child opportunities to practice thinking through and
making good decisions.

Parent Allows Child the Opportunity to Make Choices to Learn Responsibility
Children learn responsibility through experiencing consequences of reasonable choices.

Responsibility means doing what you are supposed to do, being true to your word, knowing what tasks you need to do and doing them, admitting your mistakes, and being trustworthy. Learning how to take responsibility is instilled in children over the course of their childhoods and mostly is learned from their parents. A practical way to develop responsibility is to allow children to make choices and experience the consequences. Called “natural consequences” in much of the parenting literature, this practice helps children learn that what they do has consequences, and they can control the consequences by their own behavior. For
example, if a child is given a choice to spend their allowance or save it and they choose to spend it, they will learn what it feels like not to have that money later. A child who chooses to start homework after dinner may find out that it would have been better to start earlier and will (hopefully) do so next time. As long as children are not shamed for their choice by being scolded or told, “I told you so,” they are likely to learn valuable life lessons about responsibility through these opportunities. Providing choices also creates a feeling of pride in children, as they feel valued and respected. It also avoids power struggles and increases feelings of closeness between parent and child.